"summer —" and "pain" by Nicole Gerber

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Illustration of a person sitting with their body underwater

Illustration by erika Solway

CW: These poems deal with themes of mental and physical illness. They are featured as a part of Pain Awareness Month and Suicide Prevention Month.

summer —

this solitary swimmer

simmering, smoldering,

subsumed by sensations,

slick skin, something soothed,

sliding slowly,

sinking,

seaweed surrounding shins,

submerged

in sublime surrender,

subliminal, liminal 

somewhere,

in these suicidal seasons,

swaying in sanity/insanity,

surreal,

strange


sprints to the shoreline,

solid and savouring,

still,

a survival

seeking synonyms for sustenance,

substance 


so startling, 

this surfacing

pain

“They say that genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains”

- Arthur Conan Doyle

scientifically speaking: hyper-sensitive pain receptors, 

overly analytical inflammation.

philosophically: sisyphus and the boulder.

the rorschach test only ever looks like a pelvis.

the ache spreads itself thin, carving.

a wave of bile stays down, a resisted urge as endurance test,

inspiration porn.

what else can i try to do with a knife in my gut?

a party trick (if i show up).

tylenol, teens on television, 

numbing like an empty…what? 

something like 

to feel nothing is to be nothing.

is it even real? 

this thing that cuts me off in the middle,

spades my days.

like a child asking 

who am i?

i forget 

and forget who i was without it,

the obliteration of everything

but pain

i turn on my left side, 

knees in,

count to 5

Nicole Gerber (she/her) is an emerging poet who currently resides in Vancouver on the unceded traditional territories of the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh First Nations.Nicole has lived in cities across Canada from east to west, as well as in the U.K. She completed her Masters in English at Dalhousie University in 2017 and the Writer’s Studio at SFU in 2023. Her poetry is engaged with aesthetics and philosophy, as much as it is informed by living in a chronically ill body. Follow her on Instagram (@nicole.etc).

Erika (she/her) is a Canadian - Trinidadian illustrator and designer from Vancouver, BC. Find her on Instagram (@erikasolway) or erikasolway.com to see more for her work.